Never Trust a Hogwallop

There's this idea going around that those who have concerns about the CREC and are openly expressing those concerns just have either a reactionary dislike for Doug Wilson or just are reacting, perhaps in embarrassment over previous theological issues and have some inner motivation to.. to what... I don't even know really....I don't even know how that makes sense. If I was EMBARRASSED wouldn't it be more likely that I would bury the whole thing, unfriend everyone and move on with my life hoping nobody brings it up? Actually, that WAS my game plan. And on some levels, I am embarrassed. But I'm doing these in spite of it, not because of it. I have been away from RCC for over two years. Why on earth would I delve into it now if I was embarrassed? Anyway.... In the word of the great philosopher, Pete.......

I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE WALL OF TEXT NOW BEFORE YOUR EYES, 

I couldn't think of a tidy way to break it up. If you don't want to go through my own church history, go to the last three paragraphs for the main point. 

I have been in my adult life gone through four churches. A Foursquare, two community, and a CREC. I began my Christian life at Beaverton Foursquare which was pastored by Ron Mehl. I loved Ron Mehl. I still love Ron Mehl. (He has since passed on.) Beaverton Foursquare was an enormous church, he had a couple books out, a radio ministry but you never felt like he had any swag about him. If you met him in person he was the same as when you saw him on stage. I loved the other pastors there. The youth pastor, especially. He did our premarital counseling.  He was one of those few men that really make you feel like God is near when you talk to him, not because he is seeing all your sins and has caught you at something, just an exuding sweet love. I wish I had referred back to his example more when I evaluated future leaders.

Well, we lived way out on the other side of Portland and as I say, Beaverton Foursquare is huge. It's hard to get to know people in a huge church like that if you also live far away. So we started looking for something closer to home and a co-worker was going to a community church she really liked, so we started going there. Shayleen was a baby so I was about 23 and Forrest was born there so we were there for a few years. It was a good church. We met in the Gladstone high school and everyone had coffee out in the hall after service. There were a few homeschoolers there and I felt happy about that because I knew I wanted to home school. We had some fun times camping at Mount Hood Village.
But, like I said the church was small and eventually the church dissolved because of money and just not being able to keep things going. By then Forrest was a fat baby so we were there a couple years.

From there we went to a community church close to our home. We got involved with some other couples our age and it was a fun group. I remember beach trips and laughing so much it was painful. My kids had some friends and in many ways it was a good church. But as my kids got older we felt more and more pressure to put my kids in Children's Church. The pastor's wife would seek us out every week to tell me where the classes were. We tried to alleviate our discomfort with the Children's Church by becoming "Children's worship leaders" (for lack of a better word.) and we did a couple different age groups for over a year. I was, frankly, uncomfortable with the lack of supervision over the classes. My husband and I would have the children in a room all to ourselves, closed doors and no windows and nobody looking in. I felt isolated from the rest of the church because we never got to go to services. And then Forrest came to be about three or four and could move from the nursery to Children's Church and I couldn't teach both their classes, I didn't feel safe with the way things were set up, and I got tired of trying to withstand the Pastor's wife when I tried to take them into church with me.

I didn't announce my concerns, I didn't backbite the Pastor's wife. I kind of blamed myself because I felt like I should be able to find a workable solution. We really liked the friends we had there. But I just couldn't find a way to get comfortable with it. I probably should have gone to the leadership and told them I was concerned for the safety of the children in Children's Church, but I had gone to him with some theological questions and he gave me some pat answers... I don't know. I was still a young mother and I didn't feel the freedom to speak up. I'm not sure I could have articulated it like I can now. But that church did have an incident with the children a few years later and I'm very glad I listened to my gut.

Also, I longed for the preaching of Ron Mehl. We were in North Portland and that was, at least, slightly closer to Beaverton. We went back to Beaverton Foursquare. We stayed there, except trying to get involved in a little Baptist church while we were in Sellwood, (still wishing for something more local.) until we found Reformation Covenant Church when Noah was a baby (He's my 7th) and my oldest was 12. It was still hard to meet people. We had to go to the 8 am service because the church was so crowded it was the only time our whole family could sit together. At first one deacon hovered a bit, worried about the children being noisy but they saw I could keep them quiet and would leave with the baby if need be and then they left us alone about Children's church. It wasn't perfect, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom nursing, listening to the sermon on the loudspeaker. I had to be up by 5:00am to get all out and be there on time. But it worked.

I longed for other homeschooling moms. I was lonely. There were women on our block to talk to (by then we were in Sellwood. It's a nice, family friendly neighborhood of Portland.) but they couldn't understand parts of my life. The large family, home schooling. Also, I read a book by RC Sproul at this time that convinced me Calvinism must be true. I HATED it. I was really mad at God for about three months. I didn't have the theological tools to refute it. Finally, I figured, "Well, God has been good to us over all these years and I guess I will just have to trust Him." So, I did, from time to time look for churches in our area that would be a place where I could find other moms who were like me and I looked at Reformed churches because I figured, well, that's what Sproul was, so I must be too..

That's how we ended up at RCC. Ironically, it was Doug Wilson's name that brought us in. His name was mentioned on the first website I found referring to RCC. Minutes for some meeting. I hadn't read any of his books but I had seen them in home school book catalogs and so I thought "home schoolers!" I really didn't know much else about them. It only took me a couple books to realize I thought Doug Wilson was an arrogant blow hard, more in love with his own ability to turn a clever phrase than anything else. I guess he missed the memo on clarity being the basis of good writing. Of course, you just don't SAY things like that in a CREC church. I was like Emma. "When pressed, I just say he's elegant." But anyway. We were at RCC for 10 years.

So. Why do I go into all this?

Because I want to put forward the evidence of my own character, for one. I have not gone gadding about different churches, each step being in angst at the last. If anything, I have stayed in situations (especially the one with the Children's Church.) longer than I should have, trying to make it work. And with none of these churches, if I saw someone on the street from one of them, would I feel like I didn't want to talk to them or be uncomfortable about it at all. I still like them and remember our times together in good ways and my husband still works for them from time to time.

We aren't upset about the carpet color in the foyer, we aren't miffed because we didn't get to sing lead in the choir.

We are concerned about the way people are treated in the CREC. We are concerned about the way theology is used by some people in power to abuse those less powerful. We are concerned because the leadership has a tendency to side with the strong rather than the less powerful and as a result of bad theology and people in leadership who are surrounded by "yes men" this tendency has very few obstacles in place to defend people who are vulnerable. Especially women and children. We are concerned because when people try to start conversations about under pinning theology that justifies these in their abuse, the conversations are taken over by those in power, or they are squelched and those who want to have conversations about these things are labeled as rebellious. (Especially the excessive dependency on spanking in raising children, a lack of acknowledgement of some in the CREC that mental issues like autism are real, even the disrespecting of people who are dealing with food allergies. They may be well versed in Shakespeare and Bede, but science is not a priority! Also the effects of theologies revolving around patriarchy, the power structures this creates, the problems in marriages this creates and the problems it creates in the self esteem of both men and women. Well, they can't worry about self esteem at all, actually. It's not even a thing. It's just a pretty word for selfishness. So don't be having any!)

We are concerned because at least in some cases, leadership of the CREC has minimized the abuse of women and children, protected predators, not informed the congregations that there was cause for vigilance, and has erred on the side of mercy for "repentant" predators rather than erring on the side of protecting the innocent. Though not all the CREC churches are guilty of this-I do want to say clearly, I have no knowledge of any sex abuse cases at RCC-none of the church pastors have raised a clear voice requesting an inquest for any of this towards Doug Wilson and I'd bet you my last dollar if they did they'd be out of their position in a week!  Also, because leadership has an arrogant tendency to not recognize when they are in over their head in counseling situations and don't look for help from the outside ESPECIALLY not if that counseling would run in contrary to dearly held theological positions. This makes for a fishbowl culture that is quickly losing touch with society, diminishes it's usefulness to the world in offering hope, and is intellectually stagnant.

So, if you want to make pithy, off hand comments about those who have left or who are in the CREC and have been raising issues, I guess I can't stop you. But you are betraying your own thinking rather than the thinking of anyone else. I for one would suggest that it would be nice if you would at least have the intellectual integrity to answer these very serious issues rather than giving a big ol' "PFFT" in your facebook status.

That is all.

Sheep Shooting

I had a long post about some of the cases coming out of the CREC, how the leadership has protected predators, left the innocent exposed by not being forthright with the congregation about the predator's activities, have interceded with government authorities for leniency for predators and have actively played a part in placing predators back into situations where even the most innocent were again made vulnerable. This has been well covered and there is plenty of original documentation and audio of court hearings available. Don't take my word for it. Google "Doug Wilson, Jamin Wight and Steven Sitler." Then you can go to Doug's blog and read his justifications. There's enough to keep anyone quite busy.

Jamin Wight's victim is especially eloquent and if you do nothing else, read her blog here:
http://natalierose-livewithpassion.blogspot.com/


But what I want to talk about specifically is this: The CREC shoots it's own victims.

Why is this?

If you read my story, Amber's,  Natalie's or other church abuse stories, there is a pattern that tends to repeat, I've noticed. A person or family is victimized. They appeal to the pastors/elders for help. Then the person is examined to find any of the smallest grain of fault that they may have that added to the situation, and the perpetrator is guarded. If there is anything the victim may have done, can be suspected of doing, or even if there is a slant of guilt that can be pinned to them in any way, all the attention will now be focused on that part of the situation. You see this in SPADES in Natalie's situation, where Wight had expressed interest in Natalie and was told to wait until she was 18 and was trusted to obey them. He was a seminary student after all. One would think that maybe integrity was important to him. Sadly, that might make me more suspicious now, but one can see why her parents might not have been hyper vigilant about the whole thing at that point. Therefore, since they didn't take enough active measures to protect Natalie, they must have been encouraging it. Also, in Amber's situation where the question ceased to be as to whether his employer was using shady business tactics or mistreating employees, but whether or not a post on Amber's facebook page was unsupportive of his career.

Now if the victim of this protests or denies what they are accused of, they will be given some form of the verse "THE HEART IS DESPERATELY WICKED AND WHO CAN KNOW IT". If they continue to deny it, in spite of the scriptural evidence that nobody can know they are innocent therefore nobody can be, therefore everybody must be as guilty as they can possibly be, they will then earn the stigma of "Bitter". Because "Bitter" in these circles is anyone who has anything to say about a wrong that has been done to them, ever.

Bitter (and it's fellow stigma personalities of "obstinate and willful") is now the only dimension your personality has. You will be viewed through that lens for a long, long time.  Maybe forever with some. Like the Scarlet Letter only you get to wear a B.

The predator, on the other hand, has been caught. He has nothing to lose by getting all teary eyed and repentant and everything to gain. He'll admit it all, and a couple more things the pastor couldn't have known to make it look like he's "really coming clean". (Check the letter Natalie posted on her blog that Doug Wilson wrote to an officer. He talks about there being two confessions from Steven.)

Pastors eat this bit up. That's why they got into the ministry after all, to turn wretched sinners into new creations. And in a kind of perverse twist that is common in Christianity, the greater the sin the person has committed, the bigger fuss over their conversion. And by default, the more glory to the person that led them into the kingdom. It's almost like trophy hunting. Nobody gets excited about a dew eyed doe on your wall, but a lion... well, that's something! Proof that is ministry is so very, very fruitful! ( I don't mean all pastors of course. The more ego driven ones.)

The predator plays right up to the pastor's ego. In return for the feel-good ego stroke, the pastor is now in the predators corner. Nobody is going to deny his teary eyed convert into the fold! He'll believe in him, even if nobody else will! He will now take up his defense. This must be the right thing, right? Didn't Jesus say he came for the sick, not the well?

But the victim is still there, and they still have pain and an active accusation against the predator. And this is where the victim has now become the enemy.

Because of leadership dynamics the congregation will, for the greatest part, follow the lead of the leadership in regards to the case. But the guilt is unresolved. They are (understandably) a little more wary of apologies. And there is no restitution.

Therefore the victim must be shot. Not literally of course, but they will be driven from the camp and the memory of their presence will be closed over, like the grass in the Psalms that forgets that they were even there. At least as far as appearances go, and appearances are The Most Important Thing in a cult.

If they try to say anything in the distance the pastor will gently put his hands over his remaining congregants ears and murmur things like "bitter... so so angry... willful.... silly.... foolish... don't listen my dears...."

Until hopefully the voice fades in the distance and the murder is complete.

Should Haves, Would Haves, Could Haves

Well, soon the certified letters started coming. Not only had he not paid us for two months, now he was demanding that we pay him 10,000. There was never any communication like "Hey, I don't understand this charge, could we sit down and go over some things." It was straight to not talking and sending very belligerent, over the top, trying to be intimidating certified letters. He was (is) an accountant. I guess he figured we were just young and stupid and he could just terrify us into handing him over $10,000, All his accusations were completely untrue, He was accusing my husband of the most outlandish things.

Well, since we were in the same church it went to the elders. They would call a meeting and my husband would go and the accountant wouldn't show up. He just kept sending certified letters demanding money. I thought surely they would see how really crazy angry he was acting and that my husband was trying to communicate with him. I honestly thought that things would cool down and it would all be settled. But he kept on. He was threatening lawsuits and all sorts of things. It was so weird.

One point they were meeting-at least my husband and the elders, the accountant wouldn't come-and my husband said something about how the accountant was attacking his family. One of the pastors got all riled and basically said he had no right to say he was attacking his family. I don't know how you withhold nearly 15,000 (and then demand another 10,000) dollars from a man who is the sole support of his family and not have that be attacking his family. Let alone sending all these attacking certified letters that his wife gets to receive. How is it not attacking his family when you are not even willing to control your temper long enough to have a conversation, so your response is to assume all the worst things you can thing and go straight into attack mode?

At one point my husband said something to the pastor about 1 Corinthians 6:1-7. Waaeeellll (the pastor has a way of saying well that has a long drawn out drawl to it. It's very dismissive to anyone who disagrees with him.) Waaaeeelll, we don't think it means that.

Now this man can go through some of the greatest scriptural contortions to prove Christians should not buy and sell on Sunday, 8th days and all that, but when something is said plainly he can find some way around it.

This is not how grown up people should behave. If you hire someone to do something and they've been working on it all summer, you can at least be able to control your temper enough to sit down like a grown up mature adult and have a conversation.

And the elders through it all were treating my husband like he was some crook skallywag. Because what I didn't think of at first was the fact that bad temper or no, he was a "good old boy" in the church. He had money. We didn't. He was on the ins. We weren't.

We tried to go through arbitration. He started to and then decided not to. Nope, he was going to take us to the cleaners. He was going to steal my husband's labor for an entire summer, that's what he was going to do. And get money back on top of it. For what he wanted from us, basically he wanted an entire commercial building remodeled for free. (At least the parts he did. We didn't do the stucco outside. I saw it was peeling off and I asked my husband if he did that. "Nope! His contractors. Not us. Good.")


Well, he finally made good on his threats and reported my husband to the CCB. Turned out it was the best thing. The CCB guy was an angel. He told my husband "Just let me do the talking." He walked through, listened to the accountant, and in the end tried to get him to drop it. When he wouldn't he made it so we paid him 1,000. My husband hadn't gotten a contract with the accountant or he said we could have gotten our money from him. But without the contract that was the best he could do for us.

The CCB guy knew that nobody could work as a contractor in the Portland area for 20 years and have a clean licence-not even one complaint-and be guilty of doing the kind of things he was being accused of. It's still the only complaint that he's had.

My husband should have had a contract. That is the ONLY thing he did wrong. Again, we were naive. He had never had anything like this happen. Not because he is perfect, but because if someone was unhappy he would work things out until they were. He has always guaranteed his work. And this was a fellow church member! Oh the naivete of that, huh?

But it's not just about the money to me. It was the way the elders handled it. They treated him like he was guilty. Once I wrote a letter to the pastor, trying to tell him about Rand's good reputation and the pride he takes in his work. Also that this was bringing financial difficulty to our family. He never responded. This man stole almost 15,000 from a family that is not rich by any means. He stole it. Nobody ever asked us how we were doing after that. As soon as it was settled it was forgotten-for them. They didn't have to deal with it anymore. We were still dealing with it when the crash happened.

But that's another symptom of a cult. The leadership is far more interested in preserving the institution that they are in the people that make up that institution.

I wish to God I had, at that point said "Screw 'em. We're out of here." But the kids had friends, and it seemed kind of an admission of guilt to leave at that point. But they didn't care about wondering if they were right about it. They've probably forgotten all about it. Not their problem.

It isn't melodrama when I say this changed my husband. His work has always been a very deep thing to him. He finds a lot of his identity in it. To have it disrespected and devalued in such a brutal way, by the men that made up his community, his pastor that is supposed to care about him and support him, when it was a job he cared so much about. It makes me cry to tell you that he has never gotten that boyish gleam in his eyes over his work again. It breaks my heart.

Here I Pause for a Public Service Announcement

Now I want to pause here and say something. Not everybody at this church is a jerk. Actually in a lot of ways there are a lot of really good people. Faithful, hard working, committed. They show up on every Sunday. They stay at the same church for years and years. They are diligent in their parenting. They believe they are created by a God and for the mere act of that creation they do their best to align their lives with what they think this God wants of them. He isn't even all that likable of a God, really, this God they serve, but they plug away... I guess the fear of hell helps a little with that. But really, they are the congregation that every pastor dreams about in a lot of ways.

That's the thing about cults, isn't it? Motorcycle gangs are a kind of cult but when they shoot each other, nobody is surprised. People say "Duh, that's what you get for hanging out with a motorcycle gang." Even the gang member that gets shot isn't surprised. He knows why they are there. They are held together as a community because they have vices in common.

Even in regular life, if your car gets broken into or something, it's kind of a chance. Yeah, maybe it was dumb you didn't throw your wallet under the seat. Or maybe they targeted you because you have a nice car. But it isn't personal, usually.

But cults are able to take people captive because of their virtues. Their loyalty. Their desire to take criticism and be self evaluating. The fear of sinning. The fear of losing God's presence. Their diligence and faithfulness. Their tithe. Cults feed off these things. Really rather.... dare I use the word demonic? Sinister, at the least.

But like I said, there are actually some really good people. The old choir director in particular and his wife are the salt of the earth sorts. We had some great times out at their house. One of the elders, at least for me, was able to have some intelligent conversations and we had some fun talks about beauty and the purpose of art, even if I am a girl. :P As a stay at home mom, I'm always really glad for people who are willing to just sit and talk and not mind a few differences of opinion, because that's the fun of discussion, right? I get really weary of being regulated to the realm of cookery and phonics work books. He always said "Hi" to me too. The other elders never bothered with that, much.  It's so mixed up, isn't it? People aren't just one thing. They are multi faceted. Even when you're in a mind numbing cult. And then there are people who realize there are a lot of problems but stay for reasons of their own. That's none of my business, really.

We all have to come to our own conclusions in the end don't we? Because ultimately, we all live with our own consequences. I don't care what the leadership says. It is the truth. Even if you decide "I am going to totally check my brain at the door and let this guy make every decision for my life from here on out, in the name of submission to church authority," you. and you alone have made that decision and you and you alone will have your very own consequences. They may be good they may be bad or, most likely a mixed bag, but the decision was still yours. There is no avoiding it. Take my word for it. I tried.

I will try to get on with the building story later today. I'm not just trying to drag the story out for the sake of suspense or anything. But I woke up last night thinking about this and I wanted to get that out there. I'm not just trying to lambaste everyone at RCC.

For those who have commented, (or tried to) I do have the comments on their tightest setting. For one thing, I was trying to avoid anything from the Orthodoxy Police. They haven't tried, but just in case. And also I have a flow in my mind that I'm trying to work through (not organized necessarily, just they way it makes sense to me) and I don't want to get pulled off with questions and stuff. Don't worry, I am not lonely or discouraged. I know lots of people are reading because of my stat counter, and some people message me privately. (Which I'm totally fine with if anyone wants to do that.) They aren't willing to say things publicly (Which again, I'm fine with. Not judging at all, I was there once myself.) but they encourage me privately. So, it's fine of you want to comment, I just have to approve it before it shows up. Or, there's always facebook too and there I don't care about the flow because it's off site, so, there's that.

Trouble Oh, trouble, set me free I have seen your face And it's too much, too much for me....

There was a point when I could have left and it probably would have made a bigger difference. it was back when we'd been in the church a couple years, I guess.

My husband is a contractor. He's been one for all of our marriage. He is basically Macgyver with a nail gun.

Well there was a fellow member of our church that had a commercial building he had run into trouble with. It was pretty rough and he was trying to get it remodeled and was acting as his own general and was finding out he was over his head. He had walls ending in the middle of the windows, the window contractor wasn't showing up. My husband was excited to take the job. It was in our own town, not far from our house and he was excited to get it looking nice. Our town is kind of one of those places that has lots of potential, but is a little rough around some of the edges, and he saw it as a chance to make things nicer close to home.

My husband isn't a belly scratching, plumber pants crack sort of a contractor. He's worked on beautiful houses and businesses around the Portland area. He cares about quality and ascetics. He won't work for new construction contractors because they want things done quick and cheap. He won't work for home owners that want things done cheap. He has been a contractor in the Portland metro area for over 25 years and he has never had to pay for advertising Except for during the economic crash  he usually has a waiting list. People refer him. They trust him with keys to their houses. They've given us access to their vacations homes. He's trusted. He cares about beauty. He won't drink cheap beer or eat at McDonalds and he likes expensive cheese. He's THAT kind of contractor.

Well, like I said, he wanted to make it nice. There was a bit of opposition because the owner had made himself contentious with his neighbors (should have taken a greater notice of that.) and there was a historical society, neighborhood coalition besides the regular code enforcement and city planners to work with. So it was tricky. But he was sure we could make something good out of it.

My husband used to get this real boyish gleam in his eyes when he was excited about something.

Well, the work went on. He worked all summer. He would drive the family by to look at the progress. Things seemed fine.... then the owner started getting backed up in his payments. He stopped talking to my husband. Stopped returning calls. They were working on the finishing up, trying to get occupancy. It was starting to get stressful.

Then one day our pastor told my husband that trouble was coming his way.

Trouble.

Because I am the Cult Leader, That's Why

If you google signs of a cult there are various lists of symptoms. But one symptom every one agrees with is a leader that controls the whole thing. The leadership at Reformation Covenant Church definitely follows that mold.


"Cult leadership is feared. To disagree with leadership is the same as disagreeing with God. The cult leaders will claim to have direct authority from God to control almost all aspects of your life. If the cult is not a religious group then questioning the leaders or program will still be seen as a sign of rebellion and stupidity." Cult Watch 

It is well known that if you ask any of the elders almost anything, the response will be "Let me ask Dennis and I'll get back to you." I remember one morning for morning  four people got up to make their announcements about picnics and study groups and each one said before they began "The Elders have approved this message." I was new-ish at the time and I thought it was odd, but OK, so glad you got approval for your picnic/study group/what ever.

But no, they meant it. The elders had approved their message.

I used to think that a cult was something that would be instantly recognizable. For one thing, I thought if a church was Trinitarian it wouldn't be considered a cult. And I had always had decent church experiences in the past. I guess I was pretty naive. When people would say things I thought it was a joke or hyperbole. As I keep saying, it creeps up on you.

Authoritarian leaders will make decisions for you to obey that often are only made for the sake of the exercise of their authority. I don't know if it's to keep you on your toes or just to keep themselves reassured that they are still in control.

For example, once the pastor's wife remarked to me that the Christmas decorating was coming up and that she thought it was going to fall to her. She sounded tired and I thought I would mention it to my daughter and maybe she could help her out. My daughter was glad to and she and a couple other young women showed up to decorate for Christmas.

Now, we aren't talking 13 year olds. These were all early to mid twenty year olds with good taste.

My daughter came home in the late afternoon swearing "Never Again."

They had gotten the whole sanctuary decorated. You know, on ladders, dragging stuff around, crawling up here and there. They called the pastor, told him what they had done and what did he say? Great, thanks? Super job girls? No. He didn't like it. Do it over.

Now there is one thing you have to know. This man is blind. I don't mean metaphorically. I mean he is physically blind. He can see somewhat, but he can't drive or anything like that.

Why on earth would he be that opinionated over Christmas decorations?

I told her she should have said "Gee we're sorry but we've already been here for a few hours and we need to get to work. We'll redo it later" and then just leave it. She said she actually thought of it but the other girls were too scared. Too scared to stand up to the man and just say "Well, we have a life and we got to go?"

The thing is this kind of stuff happens all the time. It is generally known if you volunteer for something your gonna get grief. Calls at night. Confrontation.

Anytime someone tries to do something, like start a group, as soon as the group gets going and shows some sign of success the elders step in and basically quash it.

There was one guy I felt kind of sorry for. He seems to be genuinely talented at getting people together and making it fun and interesting. He started a group for the young adults. My son went to it and really enjoyed it. It was popular. Then the elders started taking over, coming to give "talks". (don't people get to hear you enough on Sundays?) One we laughed about, one of the elders told them that once you start holding hands during courtship you stop talking. We laughed about how uncoordinated a couple must be to not be able to talk and hold hands at the same time. Well, soon it fizzled out. The same guy led a community group for a while. Again, people were just having TOO MUCH FUN. The elders began sitting in. Eventually he stopped leading it.

You know, can I just say, if you can't trust a group of adults to run their own group there is something seriously wrong with your leadership.

This is ordinary life at this church. Probably most of the people who go there think it's totally normal and why am I going on and on about it.

This isn't normal. It's control.

Weird Little Things

I hate to think what I tolerated as a mom in that church. I home schooled because I wanted their younger years to be formed predominately by people who loved them and would be encouraging to them. I switched schools in when I was in second grade from a school where I was happy and had many friends to a school where I was bullied and generally made to feel on the "outs".  I think that experience had a profound effect on how I saw myself for many years to come. I wanted something better for my kids.

And then in the name of "God" I stayed in a situation where they were treated in some ways, worse, because so much of it came from adults in suits that they were supposed to respect and  were called "elders and deacons".

Though around the teenage years the kids seemed to really pick up on this culture of criticism, and would begin lecturing each other. Because of the rigid courtship rules the girls were always policing each other about their clothes, make up, how much they talked to boys, everything.

This was the atmosphere. Atmosphere is a weird thing. It wasn't just this incident or that. It was a consistent atmosphere of judgement. Heaviness. Depression. Wondering if you were just imagining everything and if you weren't being paranoid. The girls feeling like the elders were always giving them body glances. What did he say? What did he mean? Was that supposed to be a reference to us in that sermon?


That's what I really want to say. I'm not trying to say "Look at us, so sad." I want this to mean something.  If you are miserable, depressed, confused and you don't know why,  if you are afraid to say *anything* that goes out of the norm of your church or "group" and you know if you do you'll "get it", (there are a few members of this church that go around on other people's facebook statuses and posts telling them if they are not "Orthodox" or in the Reformed circles, "Biblical" enough. I call them the orthodoxy police.)  if you find yourself having to come up with long, intricate justifications for your personal decisions just to protect yourself, if you feel like you can't make decisions, period. If you feel like God is more likely to come down on some little thing you've done than to help and encourage. If you constantly feel like you're trying and trying and not getting anywhere. If you have a deep mistrust of yourself. Like if you're afraid if you had to be away from your church for a while that you would drift or do something awful or something would happen to you if you left. What are the little things going on around you? Especially at church? Listen to those.


I remember once standing at a softball game watching the kids and I tried to strike up a conversation with the pastor. He started giving me this long talk about how the Baptists have been taken over by a feminist mindset (because they wait for their children to "accept" salvation rather than continuing it by the decision of the family-through the line of the father, I guess.) and as America had drifted more toward Baptist Christianity rather than Reformed Calvinist theology it had become more and more feminist. (Feminist is really, really bad, if you didn't know. Basically the font of all things evil.) I felt kind of confused because nothing I had said had anything to do with Baptists, feminism, theology, anything, and I certainly was not a feminist then, (I am now!) but I shrugged it off.

Little things you keep shrugging off.

Unfortunately little things often grow, The misogynist outlook seeped into my marriage. My husband who for so many years prior was my best friend, who would be late to work in the morning because we would get so busy talking, stopped talking to me and talked to his men friends instead. His attitude toward me began to be "on a need to know basis". I could never submit enough, be honoring enough. As with so many things, the time we spent in this place was a flow of poison. And because of my feelings of submission, wanting to be a "good wife", "good Christian woman", I passively let it go on. We still struggle. I wish I had had someone to empower me. To tell me to listen to my feelings when I knew something was wrong. I don't know really, if I could have done anything to change how things have gone. But at least I could have stood up and left earlier, at least not sat under the teaching that was poisoning my life and make myself breathe that air in the name of "pleasing God'. At least I could have gotten me and my daughters out far sooner.