Never Trust a Hogwallop

There's this idea going around that those who have concerns about the CREC and are openly expressing those concerns just have either a reactionary dislike for Doug Wilson or just are reacting, perhaps in embarrassment over previous theological issues and have some inner motivation to.. to what... I don't even know really....I don't even know how that makes sense. If I was EMBARRASSED wouldn't it be more likely that I would bury the whole thing, unfriend everyone and move on with my life hoping nobody brings it up? Actually, that WAS my game plan. And on some levels, I am embarrassed. But I'm doing these in spite of it, not because of it. I have been away from RCC for over two years. Why on earth would I delve into it now if I was embarrassed? Anyway.... In the word of the great philosopher, Pete.......

I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE WALL OF TEXT NOW BEFORE YOUR EYES, 

I couldn't think of a tidy way to break it up. If you don't want to go through my own church history, go to the last three paragraphs for the main point. 

I have been in my adult life gone through four churches. A Foursquare, two community, and a CREC. I began my Christian life at Beaverton Foursquare which was pastored by Ron Mehl. I loved Ron Mehl. I still love Ron Mehl. (He has since passed on.) Beaverton Foursquare was an enormous church, he had a couple books out, a radio ministry but you never felt like he had any swag about him. If you met him in person he was the same as when you saw him on stage. I loved the other pastors there. The youth pastor, especially. He did our premarital counseling.  He was one of those few men that really make you feel like God is near when you talk to him, not because he is seeing all your sins and has caught you at something, just an exuding sweet love. I wish I had referred back to his example more when I evaluated future leaders.

Well, we lived way out on the other side of Portland and as I say, Beaverton Foursquare is huge. It's hard to get to know people in a huge church like that if you also live far away. So we started looking for something closer to home and a co-worker was going to a community church she really liked, so we started going there. Shayleen was a baby so I was about 23 and Forrest was born there so we were there for a few years. It was a good church. We met in the Gladstone high school and everyone had coffee out in the hall after service. There were a few homeschoolers there and I felt happy about that because I knew I wanted to home school. We had some fun times camping at Mount Hood Village.
But, like I said the church was small and eventually the church dissolved because of money and just not being able to keep things going. By then Forrest was a fat baby so we were there a couple years.

From there we went to a community church close to our home. We got involved with some other couples our age and it was a fun group. I remember beach trips and laughing so much it was painful. My kids had some friends and in many ways it was a good church. But as my kids got older we felt more and more pressure to put my kids in Children's Church. The pastor's wife would seek us out every week to tell me where the classes were. We tried to alleviate our discomfort with the Children's Church by becoming "Children's worship leaders" (for lack of a better word.) and we did a couple different age groups for over a year. I was, frankly, uncomfortable with the lack of supervision over the classes. My husband and I would have the children in a room all to ourselves, closed doors and no windows and nobody looking in. I felt isolated from the rest of the church because we never got to go to services. And then Forrest came to be about three or four and could move from the nursery to Children's Church and I couldn't teach both their classes, I didn't feel safe with the way things were set up, and I got tired of trying to withstand the Pastor's wife when I tried to take them into church with me.

I didn't announce my concerns, I didn't backbite the Pastor's wife. I kind of blamed myself because I felt like I should be able to find a workable solution. We really liked the friends we had there. But I just couldn't find a way to get comfortable with it. I probably should have gone to the leadership and told them I was concerned for the safety of the children in Children's Church, but I had gone to him with some theological questions and he gave me some pat answers... I don't know. I was still a young mother and I didn't feel the freedom to speak up. I'm not sure I could have articulated it like I can now. But that church did have an incident with the children a few years later and I'm very glad I listened to my gut.

Also, I longed for the preaching of Ron Mehl. We were in North Portland and that was, at least, slightly closer to Beaverton. We went back to Beaverton Foursquare. We stayed there, except trying to get involved in a little Baptist church while we were in Sellwood, (still wishing for something more local.) until we found Reformation Covenant Church when Noah was a baby (He's my 7th) and my oldest was 12. It was still hard to meet people. We had to go to the 8 am service because the church was so crowded it was the only time our whole family could sit together. At first one deacon hovered a bit, worried about the children being noisy but they saw I could keep them quiet and would leave with the baby if need be and then they left us alone about Children's church. It wasn't perfect, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom nursing, listening to the sermon on the loudspeaker. I had to be up by 5:00am to get all out and be there on time. But it worked.

I longed for other homeschooling moms. I was lonely. There were women on our block to talk to (by then we were in Sellwood. It's a nice, family friendly neighborhood of Portland.) but they couldn't understand parts of my life. The large family, home schooling. Also, I read a book by RC Sproul at this time that convinced me Calvinism must be true. I HATED it. I was really mad at God for about three months. I didn't have the theological tools to refute it. Finally, I figured, "Well, God has been good to us over all these years and I guess I will just have to trust Him." So, I did, from time to time look for churches in our area that would be a place where I could find other moms who were like me and I looked at Reformed churches because I figured, well, that's what Sproul was, so I must be too..

That's how we ended up at RCC. Ironically, it was Doug Wilson's name that brought us in. His name was mentioned on the first website I found referring to RCC. Minutes for some meeting. I hadn't read any of his books but I had seen them in home school book catalogs and so I thought "home schoolers!" I really didn't know much else about them. It only took me a couple books to realize I thought Doug Wilson was an arrogant blow hard, more in love with his own ability to turn a clever phrase than anything else. I guess he missed the memo on clarity being the basis of good writing. Of course, you just don't SAY things like that in a CREC church. I was like Emma. "When pressed, I just say he's elegant." But anyway. We were at RCC for 10 years.

So. Why do I go into all this?

Because I want to put forward the evidence of my own character, for one. I have not gone gadding about different churches, each step being in angst at the last. If anything, I have stayed in situations (especially the one with the Children's Church.) longer than I should have, trying to make it work. And with none of these churches, if I saw someone on the street from one of them, would I feel like I didn't want to talk to them or be uncomfortable about it at all. I still like them and remember our times together in good ways and my husband still works for them from time to time.

We aren't upset about the carpet color in the foyer, we aren't miffed because we didn't get to sing lead in the choir.

We are concerned about the way people are treated in the CREC. We are concerned about the way theology is used by some people in power to abuse those less powerful. We are concerned because the leadership has a tendency to side with the strong rather than the less powerful and as a result of bad theology and people in leadership who are surrounded by "yes men" this tendency has very few obstacles in place to defend people who are vulnerable. Especially women and children. We are concerned because when people try to start conversations about under pinning theology that justifies these in their abuse, the conversations are taken over by those in power, or they are squelched and those who want to have conversations about these things are labeled as rebellious. (Especially the excessive dependency on spanking in raising children, a lack of acknowledgement of some in the CREC that mental issues like autism are real, even the disrespecting of people who are dealing with food allergies. They may be well versed in Shakespeare and Bede, but science is not a priority! Also the effects of theologies revolving around patriarchy, the power structures this creates, the problems in marriages this creates and the problems it creates in the self esteem of both men and women. Well, they can't worry about self esteem at all, actually. It's not even a thing. It's just a pretty word for selfishness. So don't be having any!)

We are concerned because at least in some cases, leadership of the CREC has minimized the abuse of women and children, protected predators, not informed the congregations that there was cause for vigilance, and has erred on the side of mercy for "repentant" predators rather than erring on the side of protecting the innocent. Though not all the CREC churches are guilty of this-I do want to say clearly, I have no knowledge of any sex abuse cases at RCC-none of the church pastors have raised a clear voice requesting an inquest for any of this towards Doug Wilson and I'd bet you my last dollar if they did they'd be out of their position in a week!  Also, because leadership has an arrogant tendency to not recognize when they are in over their head in counseling situations and don't look for help from the outside ESPECIALLY not if that counseling would run in contrary to dearly held theological positions. This makes for a fishbowl culture that is quickly losing touch with society, diminishes it's usefulness to the world in offering hope, and is intellectually stagnant.

So, if you want to make pithy, off hand comments about those who have left or who are in the CREC and have been raising issues, I guess I can't stop you. But you are betraying your own thinking rather than the thinking of anyone else. I for one would suggest that it would be nice if you would at least have the intellectual integrity to answer these very serious issues rather than giving a big ol' "PFFT" in your facebook status.

That is all.

Should Haves, Would Haves, Could Haves

Well, soon the certified letters started coming. Not only had he not paid us for two months, now he was demanding that we pay him 10,000. There was never any communication like "Hey, I don't understand this charge, could we sit down and go over some things." It was straight to not talking and sending very belligerent, over the top, trying to be intimidating certified letters. He was (is) an accountant. I guess he figured we were just young and stupid and he could just terrify us into handing him over $10,000, All his accusations were completely untrue, He was accusing my husband of the most outlandish things.

Well, since we were in the same church it went to the elders. They would call a meeting and my husband would go and the accountant wouldn't show up. He just kept sending certified letters demanding money. I thought surely they would see how really crazy angry he was acting and that my husband was trying to communicate with him. I honestly thought that things would cool down and it would all be settled. But he kept on. He was threatening lawsuits and all sorts of things. It was so weird.

One point they were meeting-at least my husband and the elders, the accountant wouldn't come-and my husband said something about how the accountant was attacking his family. One of the pastors got all riled and basically said he had no right to say he was attacking his family. I don't know how you withhold nearly 15,000 (and then demand another 10,000) dollars from a man who is the sole support of his family and not have that be attacking his family. Let alone sending all these attacking certified letters that his wife gets to receive. How is it not attacking his family when you are not even willing to control your temper long enough to have a conversation, so your response is to assume all the worst things you can thing and go straight into attack mode?

At one point my husband said something to the pastor about 1 Corinthians 6:1-7. Waaeeellll (the pastor has a way of saying well that has a long drawn out drawl to it. It's very dismissive to anyone who disagrees with him.) Waaaeeelll, we don't think it means that.

Now this man can go through some of the greatest scriptural contortions to prove Christians should not buy and sell on Sunday, 8th days and all that, but when something is said plainly he can find some way around it.

This is not how grown up people should behave. If you hire someone to do something and they've been working on it all summer, you can at least be able to control your temper enough to sit down like a grown up mature adult and have a conversation.

And the elders through it all were treating my husband like he was some crook skallywag. Because what I didn't think of at first was the fact that bad temper or no, he was a "good old boy" in the church. He had money. We didn't. He was on the ins. We weren't.

We tried to go through arbitration. He started to and then decided not to. Nope, he was going to take us to the cleaners. He was going to steal my husband's labor for an entire summer, that's what he was going to do. And get money back on top of it. For what he wanted from us, basically he wanted an entire commercial building remodeled for free. (At least the parts he did. We didn't do the stucco outside. I saw it was peeling off and I asked my husband if he did that. "Nope! His contractors. Not us. Good.")


Well, he finally made good on his threats and reported my husband to the CCB. Turned out it was the best thing. The CCB guy was an angel. He told my husband "Just let me do the talking." He walked through, listened to the accountant, and in the end tried to get him to drop it. When he wouldn't he made it so we paid him 1,000. My husband hadn't gotten a contract with the accountant or he said we could have gotten our money from him. But without the contract that was the best he could do for us.

The CCB guy knew that nobody could work as a contractor in the Portland area for 20 years and have a clean licence-not even one complaint-and be guilty of doing the kind of things he was being accused of. It's still the only complaint that he's had.

My husband should have had a contract. That is the ONLY thing he did wrong. Again, we were naive. He had never had anything like this happen. Not because he is perfect, but because if someone was unhappy he would work things out until they were. He has always guaranteed his work. And this was a fellow church member! Oh the naivete of that, huh?

But it's not just about the money to me. It was the way the elders handled it. They treated him like he was guilty. Once I wrote a letter to the pastor, trying to tell him about Rand's good reputation and the pride he takes in his work. Also that this was bringing financial difficulty to our family. He never responded. This man stole almost 15,000 from a family that is not rich by any means. He stole it. Nobody ever asked us how we were doing after that. As soon as it was settled it was forgotten-for them. They didn't have to deal with it anymore. We were still dealing with it when the crash happened.

But that's another symptom of a cult. The leadership is far more interested in preserving the institution that they are in the people that make up that institution.

I wish to God I had, at that point said "Screw 'em. We're out of here." But the kids had friends, and it seemed kind of an admission of guilt to leave at that point. But they didn't care about wondering if they were right about it. They've probably forgotten all about it. Not their problem.

It isn't melodrama when I say this changed my husband. His work has always been a very deep thing to him. He finds a lot of his identity in it. To have it disrespected and devalued in such a brutal way, by the men that made up his community, his pastor that is supposed to care about him and support him, when it was a job he cared so much about. It makes me cry to tell you that he has never gotten that boyish gleam in his eyes over his work again. It breaks my heart.

Here I Pause for a Public Service Announcement

Now I want to pause here and say something. Not everybody at this church is a jerk. Actually in a lot of ways there are a lot of really good people. Faithful, hard working, committed. They show up on every Sunday. They stay at the same church for years and years. They are diligent in their parenting. They believe they are created by a God and for the mere act of that creation they do their best to align their lives with what they think this God wants of them. He isn't even all that likable of a God, really, this God they serve, but they plug away... I guess the fear of hell helps a little with that. But really, they are the congregation that every pastor dreams about in a lot of ways.

That's the thing about cults, isn't it? Motorcycle gangs are a kind of cult but when they shoot each other, nobody is surprised. People say "Duh, that's what you get for hanging out with a motorcycle gang." Even the gang member that gets shot isn't surprised. He knows why they are there. They are held together as a community because they have vices in common.

Even in regular life, if your car gets broken into or something, it's kind of a chance. Yeah, maybe it was dumb you didn't throw your wallet under the seat. Or maybe they targeted you because you have a nice car. But it isn't personal, usually.

But cults are able to take people captive because of their virtues. Their loyalty. Their desire to take criticism and be self evaluating. The fear of sinning. The fear of losing God's presence. Their diligence and faithfulness. Their tithe. Cults feed off these things. Really rather.... dare I use the word demonic? Sinister, at the least.

But like I said, there are actually some really good people. The old choir director in particular and his wife are the salt of the earth sorts. We had some great times out at their house. One of the elders, at least for me, was able to have some intelligent conversations and we had some fun talks about beauty and the purpose of art, even if I am a girl. :P As a stay at home mom, I'm always really glad for people who are willing to just sit and talk and not mind a few differences of opinion, because that's the fun of discussion, right? I get really weary of being regulated to the realm of cookery and phonics work books. He always said "Hi" to me too. The other elders never bothered with that, much.  It's so mixed up, isn't it? People aren't just one thing. They are multi faceted. Even when you're in a mind numbing cult. And then there are people who realize there are a lot of problems but stay for reasons of their own. That's none of my business, really.

We all have to come to our own conclusions in the end don't we? Because ultimately, we all live with our own consequences. I don't care what the leadership says. It is the truth. Even if you decide "I am going to totally check my brain at the door and let this guy make every decision for my life from here on out, in the name of submission to church authority," you. and you alone have made that decision and you and you alone will have your very own consequences. They may be good they may be bad or, most likely a mixed bag, but the decision was still yours. There is no avoiding it. Take my word for it. I tried.

I will try to get on with the building story later today. I'm not just trying to drag the story out for the sake of suspense or anything. But I woke up last night thinking about this and I wanted to get that out there. I'm not just trying to lambaste everyone at RCC.

For those who have commented, (or tried to) I do have the comments on their tightest setting. For one thing, I was trying to avoid anything from the Orthodoxy Police. They haven't tried, but just in case. And also I have a flow in my mind that I'm trying to work through (not organized necessarily, just they way it makes sense to me) and I don't want to get pulled off with questions and stuff. Don't worry, I am not lonely or discouraged. I know lots of people are reading because of my stat counter, and some people message me privately. (Which I'm totally fine with if anyone wants to do that.) They aren't willing to say things publicly (Which again, I'm fine with. Not judging at all, I was there once myself.) but they encourage me privately. So, it's fine of you want to comment, I just have to approve it before it shows up. Or, there's always facebook too and there I don't care about the flow because it's off site, so, there's that.

Trouble Oh, trouble, set me free I have seen your face And it's too much, too much for me....

There was a point when I could have left and it probably would have made a bigger difference. it was back when we'd been in the church a couple years, I guess.

My husband is a contractor. He's been one for all of our marriage. He is basically Macgyver with a nail gun.

Well there was a fellow member of our church that had a commercial building he had run into trouble with. It was pretty rough and he was trying to get it remodeled and was acting as his own general and was finding out he was over his head. He had walls ending in the middle of the windows, the window contractor wasn't showing up. My husband was excited to take the job. It was in our own town, not far from our house and he was excited to get it looking nice. Our town is kind of one of those places that has lots of potential, but is a little rough around some of the edges, and he saw it as a chance to make things nicer close to home.

My husband isn't a belly scratching, plumber pants crack sort of a contractor. He's worked on beautiful houses and businesses around the Portland area. He cares about quality and ascetics. He won't work for new construction contractors because they want things done quick and cheap. He won't work for home owners that want things done cheap. He has been a contractor in the Portland metro area for over 25 years and he has never had to pay for advertising Except for during the economic crash  he usually has a waiting list. People refer him. They trust him with keys to their houses. They've given us access to their vacations homes. He's trusted. He cares about beauty. He won't drink cheap beer or eat at McDonalds and he likes expensive cheese. He's THAT kind of contractor.

Well, like I said, he wanted to make it nice. There was a bit of opposition because the owner had made himself contentious with his neighbors (should have taken a greater notice of that.) and there was a historical society, neighborhood coalition besides the regular code enforcement and city planners to work with. So it was tricky. But he was sure we could make something good out of it.

My husband used to get this real boyish gleam in his eyes when he was excited about something.

Well, the work went on. He worked all summer. He would drive the family by to look at the progress. Things seemed fine.... then the owner started getting backed up in his payments. He stopped talking to my husband. Stopped returning calls. They were working on the finishing up, trying to get occupancy. It was starting to get stressful.

Then one day our pastor told my husband that trouble was coming his way.

Trouble.