Never Trust a Hogwallop

There's this idea going around that those who have concerns about the CREC and are openly expressing those concerns just have either a reactionary dislike for Doug Wilson or just are reacting, perhaps in embarrassment over previous theological issues and have some inner motivation to.. to what... I don't even know really....I don't even know how that makes sense. If I was EMBARRASSED wouldn't it be more likely that I would bury the whole thing, unfriend everyone and move on with my life hoping nobody brings it up? Actually, that WAS my game plan. And on some levels, I am embarrassed. But I'm doing these in spite of it, not because of it. I have been away from RCC for over two years. Why on earth would I delve into it now if I was embarrassed? Anyway.... In the word of the great philosopher, Pete.......

I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE WALL OF TEXT NOW BEFORE YOUR EYES, 

I couldn't think of a tidy way to break it up. If you don't want to go through my own church history, go to the last three paragraphs for the main point. 

I have been in my adult life gone through four churches. A Foursquare, two community, and a CREC. I began my Christian life at Beaverton Foursquare which was pastored by Ron Mehl. I loved Ron Mehl. I still love Ron Mehl. (He has since passed on.) Beaverton Foursquare was an enormous church, he had a couple books out, a radio ministry but you never felt like he had any swag about him. If you met him in person he was the same as when you saw him on stage. I loved the other pastors there. The youth pastor, especially. He did our premarital counseling.  He was one of those few men that really make you feel like God is near when you talk to him, not because he is seeing all your sins and has caught you at something, just an exuding sweet love. I wish I had referred back to his example more when I evaluated future leaders.

Well, we lived way out on the other side of Portland and as I say, Beaverton Foursquare is huge. It's hard to get to know people in a huge church like that if you also live far away. So we started looking for something closer to home and a co-worker was going to a community church she really liked, so we started going there. Shayleen was a baby so I was about 23 and Forrest was born there so we were there for a few years. It was a good church. We met in the Gladstone high school and everyone had coffee out in the hall after service. There were a few homeschoolers there and I felt happy about that because I knew I wanted to home school. We had some fun times camping at Mount Hood Village.
But, like I said the church was small and eventually the church dissolved because of money and just not being able to keep things going. By then Forrest was a fat baby so we were there a couple years.

From there we went to a community church close to our home. We got involved with some other couples our age and it was a fun group. I remember beach trips and laughing so much it was painful. My kids had some friends and in many ways it was a good church. But as my kids got older we felt more and more pressure to put my kids in Children's Church. The pastor's wife would seek us out every week to tell me where the classes were. We tried to alleviate our discomfort with the Children's Church by becoming "Children's worship leaders" (for lack of a better word.) and we did a couple different age groups for over a year. I was, frankly, uncomfortable with the lack of supervision over the classes. My husband and I would have the children in a room all to ourselves, closed doors and no windows and nobody looking in. I felt isolated from the rest of the church because we never got to go to services. And then Forrest came to be about three or four and could move from the nursery to Children's Church and I couldn't teach both their classes, I didn't feel safe with the way things were set up, and I got tired of trying to withstand the Pastor's wife when I tried to take them into church with me.

I didn't announce my concerns, I didn't backbite the Pastor's wife. I kind of blamed myself because I felt like I should be able to find a workable solution. We really liked the friends we had there. But I just couldn't find a way to get comfortable with it. I probably should have gone to the leadership and told them I was concerned for the safety of the children in Children's Church, but I had gone to him with some theological questions and he gave me some pat answers... I don't know. I was still a young mother and I didn't feel the freedom to speak up. I'm not sure I could have articulated it like I can now. But that church did have an incident with the children a few years later and I'm very glad I listened to my gut.

Also, I longed for the preaching of Ron Mehl. We were in North Portland and that was, at least, slightly closer to Beaverton. We went back to Beaverton Foursquare. We stayed there, except trying to get involved in a little Baptist church while we were in Sellwood, (still wishing for something more local.) until we found Reformation Covenant Church when Noah was a baby (He's my 7th) and my oldest was 12. It was still hard to meet people. We had to go to the 8 am service because the church was so crowded it was the only time our whole family could sit together. At first one deacon hovered a bit, worried about the children being noisy but they saw I could keep them quiet and would leave with the baby if need be and then they left us alone about Children's church. It wasn't perfect, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom nursing, listening to the sermon on the loudspeaker. I had to be up by 5:00am to get all out and be there on time. But it worked.

I longed for other homeschooling moms. I was lonely. There were women on our block to talk to (by then we were in Sellwood. It's a nice, family friendly neighborhood of Portland.) but they couldn't understand parts of my life. The large family, home schooling. Also, I read a book by RC Sproul at this time that convinced me Calvinism must be true. I HATED it. I was really mad at God for about three months. I didn't have the theological tools to refute it. Finally, I figured, "Well, God has been good to us over all these years and I guess I will just have to trust Him." So, I did, from time to time look for churches in our area that would be a place where I could find other moms who were like me and I looked at Reformed churches because I figured, well, that's what Sproul was, so I must be too..

That's how we ended up at RCC. Ironically, it was Doug Wilson's name that brought us in. His name was mentioned on the first website I found referring to RCC. Minutes for some meeting. I hadn't read any of his books but I had seen them in home school book catalogs and so I thought "home schoolers!" I really didn't know much else about them. It only took me a couple books to realize I thought Doug Wilson was an arrogant blow hard, more in love with his own ability to turn a clever phrase than anything else. I guess he missed the memo on clarity being the basis of good writing. Of course, you just don't SAY things like that in a CREC church. I was like Emma. "When pressed, I just say he's elegant." But anyway. We were at RCC for 10 years.

So. Why do I go into all this?

Because I want to put forward the evidence of my own character, for one. I have not gone gadding about different churches, each step being in angst at the last. If anything, I have stayed in situations (especially the one with the Children's Church.) longer than I should have, trying to make it work. And with none of these churches, if I saw someone on the street from one of them, would I feel like I didn't want to talk to them or be uncomfortable about it at all. I still like them and remember our times together in good ways and my husband still works for them from time to time.

We aren't upset about the carpet color in the foyer, we aren't miffed because we didn't get to sing lead in the choir.

We are concerned about the way people are treated in the CREC. We are concerned about the way theology is used by some people in power to abuse those less powerful. We are concerned because the leadership has a tendency to side with the strong rather than the less powerful and as a result of bad theology and people in leadership who are surrounded by "yes men" this tendency has very few obstacles in place to defend people who are vulnerable. Especially women and children. We are concerned because when people try to start conversations about under pinning theology that justifies these in their abuse, the conversations are taken over by those in power, or they are squelched and those who want to have conversations about these things are labeled as rebellious. (Especially the excessive dependency on spanking in raising children, a lack of acknowledgement of some in the CREC that mental issues like autism are real, even the disrespecting of people who are dealing with food allergies. They may be well versed in Shakespeare and Bede, but science is not a priority! Also the effects of theologies revolving around patriarchy, the power structures this creates, the problems in marriages this creates and the problems it creates in the self esteem of both men and women. Well, they can't worry about self esteem at all, actually. It's not even a thing. It's just a pretty word for selfishness. So don't be having any!)

We are concerned because at least in some cases, leadership of the CREC has minimized the abuse of women and children, protected predators, not informed the congregations that there was cause for vigilance, and has erred on the side of mercy for "repentant" predators rather than erring on the side of protecting the innocent. Though not all the CREC churches are guilty of this-I do want to say clearly, I have no knowledge of any sex abuse cases at RCC-none of the church pastors have raised a clear voice requesting an inquest for any of this towards Doug Wilson and I'd bet you my last dollar if they did they'd be out of their position in a week!  Also, because leadership has an arrogant tendency to not recognize when they are in over their head in counseling situations and don't look for help from the outside ESPECIALLY not if that counseling would run in contrary to dearly held theological positions. This makes for a fishbowl culture that is quickly losing touch with society, diminishes it's usefulness to the world in offering hope, and is intellectually stagnant.

So, if you want to make pithy, off hand comments about those who have left or who are in the CREC and have been raising issues, I guess I can't stop you. But you are betraying your own thinking rather than the thinking of anyone else. I for one would suggest that it would be nice if you would at least have the intellectual integrity to answer these very serious issues rather than giving a big ol' "PFFT" in your facebook status.

That is all.

Here I Pause for a Public Service Announcement

Now I want to pause here and say something. Not everybody at this church is a jerk. Actually in a lot of ways there are a lot of really good people. Faithful, hard working, committed. They show up on every Sunday. They stay at the same church for years and years. They are diligent in their parenting. They believe they are created by a God and for the mere act of that creation they do their best to align their lives with what they think this God wants of them. He isn't even all that likable of a God, really, this God they serve, but they plug away... I guess the fear of hell helps a little with that. But really, they are the congregation that every pastor dreams about in a lot of ways.

That's the thing about cults, isn't it? Motorcycle gangs are a kind of cult but when they shoot each other, nobody is surprised. People say "Duh, that's what you get for hanging out with a motorcycle gang." Even the gang member that gets shot isn't surprised. He knows why they are there. They are held together as a community because they have vices in common.

Even in regular life, if your car gets broken into or something, it's kind of a chance. Yeah, maybe it was dumb you didn't throw your wallet under the seat. Or maybe they targeted you because you have a nice car. But it isn't personal, usually.

But cults are able to take people captive because of their virtues. Their loyalty. Their desire to take criticism and be self evaluating. The fear of sinning. The fear of losing God's presence. Their diligence and faithfulness. Their tithe. Cults feed off these things. Really rather.... dare I use the word demonic? Sinister, at the least.

But like I said, there are actually some really good people. The old choir director in particular and his wife are the salt of the earth sorts. We had some great times out at their house. One of the elders, at least for me, was able to have some intelligent conversations and we had some fun talks about beauty and the purpose of art, even if I am a girl. :P As a stay at home mom, I'm always really glad for people who are willing to just sit and talk and not mind a few differences of opinion, because that's the fun of discussion, right? I get really weary of being regulated to the realm of cookery and phonics work books. He always said "Hi" to me too. The other elders never bothered with that, much.  It's so mixed up, isn't it? People aren't just one thing. They are multi faceted. Even when you're in a mind numbing cult. And then there are people who realize there are a lot of problems but stay for reasons of their own. That's none of my business, really.

We all have to come to our own conclusions in the end don't we? Because ultimately, we all live with our own consequences. I don't care what the leadership says. It is the truth. Even if you decide "I am going to totally check my brain at the door and let this guy make every decision for my life from here on out, in the name of submission to church authority," you. and you alone have made that decision and you and you alone will have your very own consequences. They may be good they may be bad or, most likely a mixed bag, but the decision was still yours. There is no avoiding it. Take my word for it. I tried.

I will try to get on with the building story later today. I'm not just trying to drag the story out for the sake of suspense or anything. But I woke up last night thinking about this and I wanted to get that out there. I'm not just trying to lambaste everyone at RCC.

For those who have commented, (or tried to) I do have the comments on their tightest setting. For one thing, I was trying to avoid anything from the Orthodoxy Police. They haven't tried, but just in case. And also I have a flow in my mind that I'm trying to work through (not organized necessarily, just they way it makes sense to me) and I don't want to get pulled off with questions and stuff. Don't worry, I am not lonely or discouraged. I know lots of people are reading because of my stat counter, and some people message me privately. (Which I'm totally fine with if anyone wants to do that.) They aren't willing to say things publicly (Which again, I'm fine with. Not judging at all, I was there once myself.) but they encourage me privately. So, it's fine of you want to comment, I just have to approve it before it shows up. Or, there's always facebook too and there I don't care about the flow because it's off site, so, there's that.

Trouble Oh, trouble, set me free I have seen your face And it's too much, too much for me....

There was a point when I could have left and it probably would have made a bigger difference. it was back when we'd been in the church a couple years, I guess.

My husband is a contractor. He's been one for all of our marriage. He is basically Macgyver with a nail gun.

Well there was a fellow member of our church that had a commercial building he had run into trouble with. It was pretty rough and he was trying to get it remodeled and was acting as his own general and was finding out he was over his head. He had walls ending in the middle of the windows, the window contractor wasn't showing up. My husband was excited to take the job. It was in our own town, not far from our house and he was excited to get it looking nice. Our town is kind of one of those places that has lots of potential, but is a little rough around some of the edges, and he saw it as a chance to make things nicer close to home.

My husband isn't a belly scratching, plumber pants crack sort of a contractor. He's worked on beautiful houses and businesses around the Portland area. He cares about quality and ascetics. He won't work for new construction contractors because they want things done quick and cheap. He won't work for home owners that want things done cheap. He has been a contractor in the Portland metro area for over 25 years and he has never had to pay for advertising Except for during the economic crash  he usually has a waiting list. People refer him. They trust him with keys to their houses. They've given us access to their vacations homes. He's trusted. He cares about beauty. He won't drink cheap beer or eat at McDonalds and he likes expensive cheese. He's THAT kind of contractor.

Well, like I said, he wanted to make it nice. There was a bit of opposition because the owner had made himself contentious with his neighbors (should have taken a greater notice of that.) and there was a historical society, neighborhood coalition besides the regular code enforcement and city planners to work with. So it was tricky. But he was sure we could make something good out of it.

My husband used to get this real boyish gleam in his eyes when he was excited about something.

Well, the work went on. He worked all summer. He would drive the family by to look at the progress. Things seemed fine.... then the owner started getting backed up in his payments. He stopped talking to my husband. Stopped returning calls. They were working on the finishing up, trying to get occupancy. It was starting to get stressful.

Then one day our pastor told my husband that trouble was coming his way.

Trouble.

Because I am the Cult Leader, That's Why

If you google signs of a cult there are various lists of symptoms. But one symptom every one agrees with is a leader that controls the whole thing. The leadership at Reformation Covenant Church definitely follows that mold.


"Cult leadership is feared. To disagree with leadership is the same as disagreeing with God. The cult leaders will claim to have direct authority from God to control almost all aspects of your life. If the cult is not a religious group then questioning the leaders or program will still be seen as a sign of rebellion and stupidity." Cult Watch 

It is well known that if you ask any of the elders almost anything, the response will be "Let me ask Dennis and I'll get back to you." I remember one morning for morning  four people got up to make their announcements about picnics and study groups and each one said before they began "The Elders have approved this message." I was new-ish at the time and I thought it was odd, but OK, so glad you got approval for your picnic/study group/what ever.

But no, they meant it. The elders had approved their message.

I used to think that a cult was something that would be instantly recognizable. For one thing, I thought if a church was Trinitarian it wouldn't be considered a cult. And I had always had decent church experiences in the past. I guess I was pretty naive. When people would say things I thought it was a joke or hyperbole. As I keep saying, it creeps up on you.

Authoritarian leaders will make decisions for you to obey that often are only made for the sake of the exercise of their authority. I don't know if it's to keep you on your toes or just to keep themselves reassured that they are still in control.

For example, once the pastor's wife remarked to me that the Christmas decorating was coming up and that she thought it was going to fall to her. She sounded tired and I thought I would mention it to my daughter and maybe she could help her out. My daughter was glad to and she and a couple other young women showed up to decorate for Christmas.

Now, we aren't talking 13 year olds. These were all early to mid twenty year olds with good taste.

My daughter came home in the late afternoon swearing "Never Again."

They had gotten the whole sanctuary decorated. You know, on ladders, dragging stuff around, crawling up here and there. They called the pastor, told him what they had done and what did he say? Great, thanks? Super job girls? No. He didn't like it. Do it over.

Now there is one thing you have to know. This man is blind. I don't mean metaphorically. I mean he is physically blind. He can see somewhat, but he can't drive or anything like that.

Why on earth would he be that opinionated over Christmas decorations?

I told her she should have said "Gee we're sorry but we've already been here for a few hours and we need to get to work. We'll redo it later" and then just leave it. She said she actually thought of it but the other girls were too scared. Too scared to stand up to the man and just say "Well, we have a life and we got to go?"

The thing is this kind of stuff happens all the time. It is generally known if you volunteer for something your gonna get grief. Calls at night. Confrontation.

Anytime someone tries to do something, like start a group, as soon as the group gets going and shows some sign of success the elders step in and basically quash it.

There was one guy I felt kind of sorry for. He seems to be genuinely talented at getting people together and making it fun and interesting. He started a group for the young adults. My son went to it and really enjoyed it. It was popular. Then the elders started taking over, coming to give "talks". (don't people get to hear you enough on Sundays?) One we laughed about, one of the elders told them that once you start holding hands during courtship you stop talking. We laughed about how uncoordinated a couple must be to not be able to talk and hold hands at the same time. Well, soon it fizzled out. The same guy led a community group for a while. Again, people were just having TOO MUCH FUN. The elders began sitting in. Eventually he stopped leading it.

You know, can I just say, if you can't trust a group of adults to run their own group there is something seriously wrong with your leadership.

This is ordinary life at this church. Probably most of the people who go there think it's totally normal and why am I going on and on about it.

This isn't normal. It's control.

Weird Little Things

I hate to think what I tolerated as a mom in that church. I home schooled because I wanted their younger years to be formed predominately by people who loved them and would be encouraging to them. I switched schools in when I was in second grade from a school where I was happy and had many friends to a school where I was bullied and generally made to feel on the "outs".  I think that experience had a profound effect on how I saw myself for many years to come. I wanted something better for my kids.

And then in the name of "God" I stayed in a situation where they were treated in some ways, worse, because so much of it came from adults in suits that they were supposed to respect and  were called "elders and deacons".

Though around the teenage years the kids seemed to really pick up on this culture of criticism, and would begin lecturing each other. Because of the rigid courtship rules the girls were always policing each other about their clothes, make up, how much they talked to boys, everything.

This was the atmosphere. Atmosphere is a weird thing. It wasn't just this incident or that. It was a consistent atmosphere of judgement. Heaviness. Depression. Wondering if you were just imagining everything and if you weren't being paranoid. The girls feeling like the elders were always giving them body glances. What did he say? What did he mean? Was that supposed to be a reference to us in that sermon?


That's what I really want to say. I'm not trying to say "Look at us, so sad." I want this to mean something.  If you are miserable, depressed, confused and you don't know why,  if you are afraid to say *anything* that goes out of the norm of your church or "group" and you know if you do you'll "get it", (there are a few members of this church that go around on other people's facebook statuses and posts telling them if they are not "Orthodox" or in the Reformed circles, "Biblical" enough. I call them the orthodoxy police.)  if you find yourself having to come up with long, intricate justifications for your personal decisions just to protect yourself, if you feel like you can't make decisions, period. If you feel like God is more likely to come down on some little thing you've done than to help and encourage. If you constantly feel like you're trying and trying and not getting anywhere. If you have a deep mistrust of yourself. Like if you're afraid if you had to be away from your church for a while that you would drift or do something awful or something would happen to you if you left. What are the little things going on around you? Especially at church? Listen to those.


I remember once standing at a softball game watching the kids and I tried to strike up a conversation with the pastor. He started giving me this long talk about how the Baptists have been taken over by a feminist mindset (because they wait for their children to "accept" salvation rather than continuing it by the decision of the family-through the line of the father, I guess.) and as America had drifted more toward Baptist Christianity rather than Reformed Calvinist theology it had become more and more feminist. (Feminist is really, really bad, if you didn't know. Basically the font of all things evil.) I felt kind of confused because nothing I had said had anything to do with Baptists, feminism, theology, anything, and I certainly was not a feminist then, (I am now!) but I shrugged it off.

Little things you keep shrugging off.

Unfortunately little things often grow, The misogynist outlook seeped into my marriage. My husband who for so many years prior was my best friend, who would be late to work in the morning because we would get so busy talking, stopped talking to me and talked to his men friends instead. His attitude toward me began to be "on a need to know basis". I could never submit enough, be honoring enough. As with so many things, the time we spent in this place was a flow of poison. And because of my feelings of submission, wanting to be a "good wife", "good Christian woman", I passively let it go on. We still struggle. I wish I had had someone to empower me. To tell me to listen to my feelings when I knew something was wrong. I don't know really, if I could have done anything to change how things have gone. But at least I could have stood up and left earlier, at least not sat under the teaching that was poisoning my life and make myself breathe that air in the name of "pleasing God'. At least I could have gotten me and my daughters out far sooner.

Scapegoat

One thing I want to draw attention to is how in all these cases it was up to the girl to take the blame or to modify behavior on behalf of the guy. When the red faced raging elder appeared before my daughter he didn't say anything to my (now) SIL, like "Hey, take your hand off her waist." His intent wasn't correction or he would have addressed the one in control of the hand. No, his intention was shame. His anger, as an authority figure in the church, bearing down on her from above, a place of power toward he as an older man was all about the transference of shame.

In the second case, same thing. Nobody ever said anything to him. He was the poker here! Wouldn't a sensible adult have gone to him and said something like "Hey, I know you guys like each other but while we're at camp could you keep a little distance, blah blah blah.... " (Actually in both cases I don't think reasonable people would have said anything at all, but just giving the benefit of the argument that even if there was something to get upset over.) But nobody ever said anything to him at all. Again, the goal wasn't correction, this was a transference of shame.

The need of a scapegoat is an interesting thing. I'm just an armchair philosopher, but it's my theory that the more legalism and emphasis on the judgment of God, the more shame is generated and the more the need for a scapegoat. And it will always be the voiceless, those who don't have a lot of money, those that have no power to reject the load being handed to them, the ones that are to be submissive to the ones handing them the shame like the young. And in a culture where women and girls  are blamed for the thoughts of young men through extreme modesty teachings, and are trained to be submissive and obedient, they will be natural shame bearers because if they resist they can be further shamed by calling them stubborn, disobedient, and willful. This will lead to further shunning and shame transference so they have to bear it until it simply gets to be too much. The scapegoat flees the camp, taking the shame they bear and are gone to the wilderness to deal with that on their own. But at least the camp is cleansed.

For a little while. Then the shame builds, another scapegoat must be found and the whole process begins again.

I wonder who the scapegoat is now that we have left?

Lesbian Protests

After she had told me her story... I was so angry. I couldn't understand how something as simple as a little poke in a circle full of friends, with even an adult that she was with looking on, in full daylight could amount to all this. It is part of the amazing Alice in Wonderland feeling I got several times when things just seemed so crazy it was almost surreal and these people who were otherwise successful with well, at least careers and owning houses and all that, could show such an utter lack of proportion.

Well, we took her back to family camp. I couldn't just leave that unanswered. Her family, at least was behind her, even if the rest of the church had no problem gossiping over a young girl over the most senseless thing and then allow her to be humiliated like that. 

The family did kind of apologize to my husband, they never apologized to my daughter. (Except the adult son. Again, to be fair.) 

Another Alice in Wonderland time was when this same daughter was a little younger. I think around 17. She and some of her friends liked to walk around  the area the church was in, hold hands and talk about things like Jane Austen heroes and Princess Bride. It was a lovely time and my daughter looked forward to it every week. At this time the girls would wear those (what we called) Costco dresses which were these long, flowy t-shirt dresses. They all had super long hair and I thought they were a pretty picture as they rounded the block laughing and enjoying each other's company. 

Well, of course that couldn't last. All that happiness going on. A pastor came in for a session from somewhere else and said they looked like a lesbian protest. So the girls were told to take their visiting to the basement. 

That's the way I feel our whole venue through this church went. Everything that was sweet and innocent got sullied, little by little. 

I told my husband that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and no way was I going to tell her she had to do her visiting in the stuffy basement because of the observation of a dirty old man. It was wonderful for the girls to get out and walk in the fresh air and visit (we lived a good distance apart. This was usually their only chance.) I asked if this man had ever SEEN a "lesbian protest"? Where was he from? The backwoods somewhere, just got out for his first taste of "city life"? 

I was, apparently, the only parent that objected. My husband said something about me being stubborn and that we shouldn't always be fighting for our rights. And ALL APPEARANCES OF EVIL.

And the girls ended up in the basement. 

Yes, Slut Shaming

When my husband and daughter came home I was sitting at the table doing schoolwork with my younger kids. She sat next to me and waited until I could give her my whole attention to tell me her story. She had thought things were going fine all week. She was told to check in with the oldest daughter (twenty something) but she figured that was a check in thing and she was fine with that. (This daughter was quite a bit older, so they weren't really friends, but they knew each other.) The problem was apparently on Thursday. She was hanging out with a group of about 10 people, including an adult member of the family she was staying with. The guy she was interested was sitting next to her, but about a foot away. (there's even a photo.) They were joking around about something and................


HE REACHED OVER HIS HAND AND POKED HER IN THE SIDE WITH HIS FINGER.


This was her deed. She was poked in the side. Hear me people???? She was POKED.

Through her clothing. Not even bare skin. He poked her.

And she told him "Don't" and got up and moved. (I drilled her before she left on how freaked out people at family camp were.)

Evidently that escalated into some sort of rumor that they had been rolling in the meadow, tickling.

Gossip is terrible in that church. But what makes it really bad is that the elders will often listen to it and act on it without clarification. Especially when it involves the kids or teenagers because everyone knows they are probably guilty! And if the parents try to stick up for the kids they are told they can't really know what their kids are up to. And if you try to counter at all they'll tell you that you aren't open to facing your sin and THAT THE HEART IS DESPERATELY WICKED AND WHO CAN KNOW IT?

So, Thursday night, she had no idea why, but she felt like the family she was staying with were a little cold to her. Why the son who was sitting right there when this all happened didn't stick up for her I will never understand. (To be fair, he did apologize later.)

Friday morning they told her they needed to talk and took her out to the deck. They confronted her with the rumor and she told them what had happened. She figured she was just clarifying. They lectured her on appearances, (this is important-appearances.) how we're supposed to avoid even the appearance of anything evil (what evil was she appearing as?) Then the daughter told her she wasn't following the rules, wasn't checking in enough. She mentioned a day she hadn't checked in enough and my daughter said that was because she was with her most of the day that day.


It escalated, got more confusing, she looked to her friend, the one that was with her (when she was poked) and he looked away.


Finally it was decided she would have to stay right next to the father of the family or they would just have to take her home.


So, she was already the victim of gossip, and they wanted her to shamefacedly follow a older middle aged man around and basically admit her guilt to the rest of the camp because she couldn't be trusted to go off and be with her friends. When he was joining his friends chatting, she would have to sit there and let them all stare at her and wonder what she could have done (if they hadn't already heard the horrible, horrible tickling tale.)


Not surprisingly, she said she wanted to go home. So, she was trundled off in shame, the father bemoaning the fact that he would miss chapel and breakfast and the daughter mocking her as she cried alone in the back seat.

They wouldn't let her find her sister and tell her what was happening. They wouldn't tell her sister who was worried and wondering, just said "She's been sent home."

Nobody told the guy about anything. Of course he had no right to know-he was the terrible boy who HAD POKED HER IN THE SIDE THROUGH HER CLOTHING FROM A FOOT AWAY.

More next time.

Slut Shaming

Did I tell you about the time my poor dear daughter was slut shamed in front of the church lunchroom? My 21 year old daughter, my 21, working, engaged to be married daughter was standing with her fiance at the front of the lunchroom. The lunchroom was a very busy place before church. Because of the meal people would go down there before the service and set up their table and drop off their food at the kitchen to keep things warm until after the service. This isn't a quiet-out-of-the-way-spot. Just the opposite. My daughter and her husband to be were chatting at the front of the room, in a very busy spot, and he had his hand on her waist, like soon-to-be-married-twenty-somethings do.

Suddenly one of the deacons manifests himself before, getting right into her face, and starts in with confronting her about the amount of touching that was appropriate before marriage. The horrible example they were setting, the innocence of the children being shattered all around. He was very angry and my daughter was completely thrown off guard because he always seemed nice before. His anger was the thing she most remembered. It seemed so weird and out of proportion. 

She ran from the room crying.

She was treated like a 14 year old girl getting caught being felt up in a janitors closet rather than a 21 year old about to be married. 

He had his hand on her waist. What kind of mind gets all in a tither over that? 

This same daughter went with a family we trusted to Family Camp one year. We didn't have enough money for us all to go, but her friend invited her to stay with their family and we were glad at least she could go and have some fun. She was 18 or 19 and she and her husband to be were getting more interested in each other at this time. I did make some rules for the trip, but the rules were as much for establishing the fact that they were fine to talk and hang out together because Family Camp was notorious for rumors and people freaking out over couples. I hoped I made it clear that they were fine to talk and visit. 

Her sister was about fifteen and she also got to go, but with a different family. 

Friday, late morning my husband got a call from the father of the family my oldest was staying with. He was bringing her home and he had my husband take off work and meet him in a town halfway. My husband told me he was going to get her. I thought "Oh, no, what on earth did she do?" What on earth could she have done? She was a pretty obedient kid, never did anything awful.. We wouldn't have sent her if we didn't think she was completely trust-worthy. 

So my husband goes off and retrieves her, bundled off in shame from Family Camp. 

I mean being sent home from Family Camp is a pretty big deal, and something that would be terribly shameful to the kids in this church, where honoring parents and adults in general was a big deal. There would be all kinds of rumors, there are always a lot of rumors around. 

Well, my little guy wants me to take him to the pool so I guess you'll have to wait for tomorrow to find out what shocking thing she did. 

Hearing God's Voice?

I hope I'm not coming across like this is another "introverts vs. extroverts" thing. That's not the point for me. I appreciate extroverts. Extroverts keep people circulating. They help us introverts make social connections. They bring life to a party. They are unafraid to reach out when people are in need. They stop by for no reason, which I like because it takes the pressure off me to have to issue invites. They also give the valuable service of giving introverts opportunities to have conversations without actually having to talk a whole lot. I am very appreciative of extroverts.

I am also not saying it's a horrible thing for a church to have a rich social dynamic to it. A lot of people really enjoy having activities to go to and people to visit during the week. Nothing wrong with that! My kids liked having choir, friends over, being invited to other people's houses, It was these things that helped to draw me toward the church. I wanted that feeling of having a community. I only have my sister nearby and Rand only has his mom. I grew up in a family that got together a bunch for holidays and birthdays and I was sad my kids didn't have that. It was my hunger for community that drove me to look for a church other than the one we were going to before that, a perfectly good church but one that was a bit of a drive away from us and had thousands and thousands of people. So I'm not saying that the baby showers or the wedding showers were bad things. They were wonderful things and I'm grateful for the ones I had.

But it was the distinct feeling of an unwritten rule that I was less than because I couldn't keep up with them. I don't know. When it gets to the point where you come in a room and nobody even says hello-it starts to get to you.

We were at a point where I was serving my family pinto beans and soda crackers for dinner (after the economic crash) and I honestly would have had to choose between a jug of milk or a baby sleeper for a shower. I just couldn't do it. And the more I felt like I couldn't fulfill the expectations, the more I felt unwelcome and unwanted.

Well, whatever. Maybe you're just sour grapes. I've thought of that myself.

But here's the other thing. Community wasn't just stressed at this church, it was constantly impressed upon us that the church was the actual point where a person meets up with God. That the people in the church that speak to us are the representatives of God. Having your own relationship with God was not encouraged much. I mean, yes, read your Bible and all, (especially if you were using the church notes to help you do that.) but if you felt like you had a personal interaction with Him, that was strongly looked at with suspicion. I remember the pastor talking about us not being able to tell what was going on in our own head-what is you and what is God? I never quite got how I could know why I couldn't be the judge about what was going on in my head, but apparently the person who was talking to you "as God" in the church could know that they were speaking to you for God? I didn't quite get how that worked.

And it wasn't just the idea of that you had to be open to what people were saying to you was from God, (I mean, it could be, it might not be.) But God was scary. You needed the pastor and the elders to go between you and God. Consider this sermon in Deuteronomy talking about the scene where the people are frightened of God and so they send Moses to speak to God for them. (skip ahead to about the half hour mark to hear the part I'm taking about. Another thing this is an example of is the way the pastor would reference people he was counseling in his sermons. Not mentioning names, usually, though there were times he did. But people were so much in each others business you generally had a good idea who he was talking about. I remember once he called out my family for wearing tie-dye t-shirts which were a symbol of lawlessness. One of the fellow members laughed and said "Congratulations! You made it into a sermon! You'll get used to it.")

There is much emphasis on the scary holiness of God. Wanting a direct word from God is a foolish thing. I remember the verses in Hebrews being quoted often about how the new covenant is a scarier thing than the Mosaic covenant. Always being brought back to the impression that we needed the church to intervene between us and the God and absolutely no mention of verses like Isaiah 30:21, Psalm 32:8, and the fact that God spoke to many, many people through out the Bible and holds forth the hope that one day we will have no need of teachers, but everyone will know the Lord themselves. That the veil of the sanctuary was torn in two. I have always felt that God desires a relationship with each person and the tragedy of much of religious life is that it is geared not to draw us closer to God, but to help us to fulfill obligations that may tug at out conscious but still perform them while still hiding from Him.

So. If you're so dependent on a preacher and men to connect you with God, that gives that group an enormous power, doesn't it? Because when you start walking into rooms and they don't speak to you, not even a "hello", when you ask pastors for help and they never respond, if you write to them and they never acknowledge even hearing from you, but their voice is God to you, what are you to conclude from that?