Lesbian Protests

After she had told me her story... I was so angry. I couldn't understand how something as simple as a little poke in a circle full of friends, with even an adult that she was with looking on, in full daylight could amount to all this. It is part of the amazing Alice in Wonderland feeling I got several times when things just seemed so crazy it was almost surreal and these people who were otherwise successful with well, at least careers and owning houses and all that, could show such an utter lack of proportion.

Well, we took her back to family camp. I couldn't just leave that unanswered. Her family, at least was behind her, even if the rest of the church had no problem gossiping over a young girl over the most senseless thing and then allow her to be humiliated like that. 

The family did kind of apologize to my husband, they never apologized to my daughter. (Except the adult son. Again, to be fair.) 

Another Alice in Wonderland time was when this same daughter was a little younger. I think around 17. She and some of her friends liked to walk around  the area the church was in, hold hands and talk about things like Jane Austen heroes and Princess Bride. It was a lovely time and my daughter looked forward to it every week. At this time the girls would wear those (what we called) Costco dresses which were these long, flowy t-shirt dresses. They all had super long hair and I thought they were a pretty picture as they rounded the block laughing and enjoying each other's company. 

Well, of course that couldn't last. All that happiness going on. A pastor came in for a session from somewhere else and said they looked like a lesbian protest. So the girls were told to take their visiting to the basement. 

That's the way I feel our whole venue through this church went. Everything that was sweet and innocent got sullied, little by little. 

I told my husband that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and no way was I going to tell her she had to do her visiting in the stuffy basement because of the observation of a dirty old man. It was wonderful for the girls to get out and walk in the fresh air and visit (we lived a good distance apart. This was usually their only chance.) I asked if this man had ever SEEN a "lesbian protest"? Where was he from? The backwoods somewhere, just got out for his first taste of "city life"? 

I was, apparently, the only parent that objected. My husband said something about me being stubborn and that we shouldn't always be fighting for our rights. And ALL APPEARANCES OF EVIL.

And the girls ended up in the basement. 

Yes, Slut Shaming

When my husband and daughter came home I was sitting at the table doing schoolwork with my younger kids. She sat next to me and waited until I could give her my whole attention to tell me her story. She had thought things were going fine all week. She was told to check in with the oldest daughter (twenty something) but she figured that was a check in thing and she was fine with that. (This daughter was quite a bit older, so they weren't really friends, but they knew each other.) The problem was apparently on Thursday. She was hanging out with a group of about 10 people, including an adult member of the family she was staying with. The guy she was interested was sitting next to her, but about a foot away. (there's even a photo.) They were joking around about something and................


HE REACHED OVER HIS HAND AND POKED HER IN THE SIDE WITH HIS FINGER.


This was her deed. She was poked in the side. Hear me people???? She was POKED.

Through her clothing. Not even bare skin. He poked her.

And she told him "Don't" and got up and moved. (I drilled her before she left on how freaked out people at family camp were.)

Evidently that escalated into some sort of rumor that they had been rolling in the meadow, tickling.

Gossip is terrible in that church. But what makes it really bad is that the elders will often listen to it and act on it without clarification. Especially when it involves the kids or teenagers because everyone knows they are probably guilty! And if the parents try to stick up for the kids they are told they can't really know what their kids are up to. And if you try to counter at all they'll tell you that you aren't open to facing your sin and THAT THE HEART IS DESPERATELY WICKED AND WHO CAN KNOW IT?

So, Thursday night, she had no idea why, but she felt like the family she was staying with were a little cold to her. Why the son who was sitting right there when this all happened didn't stick up for her I will never understand. (To be fair, he did apologize later.)

Friday morning they told her they needed to talk and took her out to the deck. They confronted her with the rumor and she told them what had happened. She figured she was just clarifying. They lectured her on appearances, (this is important-appearances.) how we're supposed to avoid even the appearance of anything evil (what evil was she appearing as?) Then the daughter told her she wasn't following the rules, wasn't checking in enough. She mentioned a day she hadn't checked in enough and my daughter said that was because she was with her most of the day that day.


It escalated, got more confusing, she looked to her friend, the one that was with her (when she was poked) and he looked away.


Finally it was decided she would have to stay right next to the father of the family or they would just have to take her home.


So, she was already the victim of gossip, and they wanted her to shamefacedly follow a older middle aged man around and basically admit her guilt to the rest of the camp because she couldn't be trusted to go off and be with her friends. When he was joining his friends chatting, she would have to sit there and let them all stare at her and wonder what she could have done (if they hadn't already heard the horrible, horrible tickling tale.)


Not surprisingly, she said she wanted to go home. So, she was trundled off in shame, the father bemoaning the fact that he would miss chapel and breakfast and the daughter mocking her as she cried alone in the back seat.

They wouldn't let her find her sister and tell her what was happening. They wouldn't tell her sister who was worried and wondering, just said "She's been sent home."

Nobody told the guy about anything. Of course he had no right to know-he was the terrible boy who HAD POKED HER IN THE SIDE THROUGH HER CLOTHING FROM A FOOT AWAY.

More next time.

Slut Shaming

Did I tell you about the time my poor dear daughter was slut shamed in front of the church lunchroom? My 21 year old daughter, my 21, working, engaged to be married daughter was standing with her fiance at the front of the lunchroom. The lunchroom was a very busy place before church. Because of the meal people would go down there before the service and set up their table and drop off their food at the kitchen to keep things warm until after the service. This isn't a quiet-out-of-the-way-spot. Just the opposite. My daughter and her husband to be were chatting at the front of the room, in a very busy spot, and he had his hand on her waist, like soon-to-be-married-twenty-somethings do.

Suddenly one of the deacons manifests himself before, getting right into her face, and starts in with confronting her about the amount of touching that was appropriate before marriage. The horrible example they were setting, the innocence of the children being shattered all around. He was very angry and my daughter was completely thrown off guard because he always seemed nice before. His anger was the thing she most remembered. It seemed so weird and out of proportion. 

She ran from the room crying.

She was treated like a 14 year old girl getting caught being felt up in a janitors closet rather than a 21 year old about to be married. 

He had his hand on her waist. What kind of mind gets all in a tither over that? 

This same daughter went with a family we trusted to Family Camp one year. We didn't have enough money for us all to go, but her friend invited her to stay with their family and we were glad at least she could go and have some fun. She was 18 or 19 and she and her husband to be were getting more interested in each other at this time. I did make some rules for the trip, but the rules were as much for establishing the fact that they were fine to talk and hang out together because Family Camp was notorious for rumors and people freaking out over couples. I hoped I made it clear that they were fine to talk and visit. 

Her sister was about fifteen and she also got to go, but with a different family. 

Friday, late morning my husband got a call from the father of the family my oldest was staying with. He was bringing her home and he had my husband take off work and meet him in a town halfway. My husband told me he was going to get her. I thought "Oh, no, what on earth did she do?" What on earth could she have done? She was a pretty obedient kid, never did anything awful.. We wouldn't have sent her if we didn't think she was completely trust-worthy. 

So my husband goes off and retrieves her, bundled off in shame from Family Camp. 

I mean being sent home from Family Camp is a pretty big deal, and something that would be terribly shameful to the kids in this church, where honoring parents and adults in general was a big deal. There would be all kinds of rumors, there are always a lot of rumors around. 

Well, my little guy wants me to take him to the pool so I guess you'll have to wait for tomorrow to find out what shocking thing she did. 

Hearing God's Voice?

I hope I'm not coming across like this is another "introverts vs. extroverts" thing. That's not the point for me. I appreciate extroverts. Extroverts keep people circulating. They help us introverts make social connections. They bring life to a party. They are unafraid to reach out when people are in need. They stop by for no reason, which I like because it takes the pressure off me to have to issue invites. They also give the valuable service of giving introverts opportunities to have conversations without actually having to talk a whole lot. I am very appreciative of extroverts.

I am also not saying it's a horrible thing for a church to have a rich social dynamic to it. A lot of people really enjoy having activities to go to and people to visit during the week. Nothing wrong with that! My kids liked having choir, friends over, being invited to other people's houses, It was these things that helped to draw me toward the church. I wanted that feeling of having a community. I only have my sister nearby and Rand only has his mom. I grew up in a family that got together a bunch for holidays and birthdays and I was sad my kids didn't have that. It was my hunger for community that drove me to look for a church other than the one we were going to before that, a perfectly good church but one that was a bit of a drive away from us and had thousands and thousands of people. So I'm not saying that the baby showers or the wedding showers were bad things. They were wonderful things and I'm grateful for the ones I had.

But it was the distinct feeling of an unwritten rule that I was less than because I couldn't keep up with them. I don't know. When it gets to the point where you come in a room and nobody even says hello-it starts to get to you.

We were at a point where I was serving my family pinto beans and soda crackers for dinner (after the economic crash) and I honestly would have had to choose between a jug of milk or a baby sleeper for a shower. I just couldn't do it. And the more I felt like I couldn't fulfill the expectations, the more I felt unwelcome and unwanted.

Well, whatever. Maybe you're just sour grapes. I've thought of that myself.

But here's the other thing. Community wasn't just stressed at this church, it was constantly impressed upon us that the church was the actual point where a person meets up with God. That the people in the church that speak to us are the representatives of God. Having your own relationship with God was not encouraged much. I mean, yes, read your Bible and all, (especially if you were using the church notes to help you do that.) but if you felt like you had a personal interaction with Him, that was strongly looked at with suspicion. I remember the pastor talking about us not being able to tell what was going on in our own head-what is you and what is God? I never quite got how I could know why I couldn't be the judge about what was going on in my head, but apparently the person who was talking to you "as God" in the church could know that they were speaking to you for God? I didn't quite get how that worked.

And it wasn't just the idea of that you had to be open to what people were saying to you was from God, (I mean, it could be, it might not be.) But God was scary. You needed the pastor and the elders to go between you and God. Consider this sermon in Deuteronomy talking about the scene where the people are frightened of God and so they send Moses to speak to God for them. (skip ahead to about the half hour mark to hear the part I'm taking about. Another thing this is an example of is the way the pastor would reference people he was counseling in his sermons. Not mentioning names, usually, though there were times he did. But people were so much in each others business you generally had a good idea who he was talking about. I remember once he called out my family for wearing tie-dye t-shirts which were a symbol of lawlessness. One of the fellow members laughed and said "Congratulations! You made it into a sermon! You'll get used to it.")

There is much emphasis on the scary holiness of God. Wanting a direct word from God is a foolish thing. I remember the verses in Hebrews being quoted often about how the new covenant is a scarier thing than the Mosaic covenant. Always being brought back to the impression that we needed the church to intervene between us and the God and absolutely no mention of verses like Isaiah 30:21, Psalm 32:8, and the fact that God spoke to many, many people through out the Bible and holds forth the hope that one day we will have no need of teachers, but everyone will know the Lord themselves. That the veil of the sanctuary was torn in two. I have always felt that God desires a relationship with each person and the tragedy of much of religious life is that it is geared not to draw us closer to God, but to help us to fulfill obligations that may tug at out conscious but still perform them while still hiding from Him.

So. If you're so dependent on a preacher and men to connect you with God, that gives that group an enormous power, doesn't it? Because when you start walking into rooms and they don't speak to you, not even a "hello", when you ask pastors for help and they never respond, if you write to them and they never acknowledge even hearing from you, but their voice is God to you, what are you to conclude from that?

Too Much Community

If you keep telling someone that is shy and introverted by design (yes, design.) that an independent life is "selfish", that community is where it's at, that you need to be getting to those community groups and open up about your deepest struggles so everyone can pray about them (Did I mention the part about things getting back to the elders?), that you need to be at all these events, parties, Sunday School, be at church all day Sunday, etc. all you're doing is beating them up in a place that is already very painful. It makes it harder and harder to enter in at any level because attention is the last thing a socially ambivalent person wants and when I make an effort and went it felt like everyone was all "Gee, so you decided to actually show up this time."

Well, why wouldn't they feel that way when there is this tone set by the pastor that says people who like to be alone (though I am rarely alone, I do have 10 children.) are selfish and buying into a false idea of American Individuality. I wonder if the desert Fathers knew they were buying into American Individuality. Some people like to have time alone to think....

And there's the thing. Thinking. People can't be trusted to order their own time and decide what level of social involvement is right for them. They need the church to determine that. Cults don't like that, do they? People spending time alone, thinking.

Kind of threatening.

Is Christianity something that can work for all kinds of people? Or just the ones that fit a certain social construct. Is the purpose of a church life there to mold people into a certain social form? When a church becomes a place where there is a spoken or unspoken rule about certain characteristics that people must have, personality wise, finances, education, etc. in order to be a "successful member" is it really a church at all? Or a social club where certain personalities are just reinforcing to each other their superiority over those who "just can't quite keep up."

Christian KGB

There is this idea that if you point out someone's sin to them you are being compassionate. You are lovingly helping them get back into a right relationship with God.

This is true to an extent, we all have blind spots. If I have a certain thought pattern that is hindering my relationship with others and God and you help me to see it in a way that empowers me to make a change, I am benefited.

Usually though, criticism is aimed at outward performance rather than the thoughts. Outward performance is only the expression of thoughts and if a person is unaware of the thoughts that are leading to the problem, they really do not have the tools they need to help themselves. So when you point something out, it leads to condemnation and shame, rather than joy and freedom. Most people are already painfully aware of the places where they are cracked and are already giving themselves enough shame over it.

I have struggled with social anxiety all my life. As a child I hid in the school bathrooms to read rather than go outside for recess. Social things like baby showers or even staying for a potluck meal after church were difficult for me. They were difficult for me going into this church, but I really tried in the beginning. Because I do know that you can't always allow yourself to be ruled by your feelings, and I wanted my family to have this church life that was being held out to us. My kids wanted the friends, I felt like God wanted me to try, I really did try.

But the longer we were there, the worse things got. Our finances got worse and worse, through another member deciding not to pay my husband for a job that took him all summer, (Our busiest time, when we make the most of what we need to make for the year.) mandatory tithing, knocking ourselves out to go to family camp, I really couldn't afford baby and wedding shower gifts too. As we went on it got worse and worse. I was exhausted, constantly pregnant, trying to keep up with homeschooling, I just couldn't keep up with what I felt like was expected.

I may have been sensitive. Toward the end I was getting pretty damn sensitive. But there was baby showers, wedding showers, the community meal every week after church, and then the community groups started becoming more and more of an issue. Preached about every week. Things people said in those community groups was reported back to the elders. God help you if you said anything objectionable, or if they didn't like the way a group was being handled. They would send out an elder to sit in on the meetings.

This church, that was so into objecting into the government take over in peoples lives-they weren't objecting to that on the basis of people needing to be trusted to guide their own lives-they objected to the government running it because they thought the church should be what was running your life. And from the way I saw how it was run by these "Spirit filled leaders"--- I'll take the government.

I'll have to finish this later....

Misery

Well, no, the picture doesn't have a whole lot to do with the post. I just googled Misery to see if any good images would come up, and they were all from the movie. And I thought that was a little more fun than some girl crying or something. My boys thinks she looks like me.... or I look like her.... hmmmmmmmmm........

The interesting thing is we human beings have a guide built into us. This guide is supposed to inform us about where we are on our path, and more especially when we get off. This particular guide is called "Misery". Misery is an interesting thing. We are supposed to listen to Misery. Misery helps us know when something is wrong. If your stomach is constantly making you miserable, something is wrong. We see Misery as an enemy, but it is actually a strong ally. But because we want to avoid the things misery is pointing out, we see the misery itself as an enemy.

Kind of like the highway. The painted lines are there, and then there's grooves they texture into the side to give an even stronger warning. Those are misery. They are telling you that you have a persistent situation that is doing damage to your car and will only get worse if you don't WAKE UP! They aren't the enemy though, they are a friend.

Now in Christianity we are taught to always doubt our emotions. (Remember Dr. Dobson's book Emotions, Can You Trust Them? No, I didn't read it.) We are constantly told emotions are deceptive and we have to listen to reason. That is an open door to abusers and manipulators. You can't just say "This is miserable, I'm leaving." There has to be all these thought out reasons. (I mean, in reality, you can always leave. But people who are trying to be thoughtful and open to criticizing themselves and all that, we tend to get these thoughts in our head. Anyway.)

And then they call in all these positive virtues that we all want to be true of us, like faithfulness, diligent, and one I remember being repeated a lot for a while "A long obedience in the same direction."

There's probably enough in there to unpack for a whole 'nother blog post.

But anyway, this is the kind of manipulation in the church that keeps people from looking at what misery has to say to them.

I'm not saying that the response to an acknowledgement that you are miserable should be an instant change in circumstances. But I am saying Misery is a voice that should be listened to. I am saying you shouldn't judge yourself for it. Not guilt trip yourself over it (I guess I'm just not a very thankful person. I mean look at those people over in Iraq-or whatever-who have it so much worse than me, blah, blah... have you EVER been able to help yourself by guilt tripping yourself? Cut it out.)

If you are miserable, why?

Sunday's Coming

It's Sunday, a beautiful clear, hot day. We were going to go to church this morning but my daughter had a headache, so I walked to the store to get a collar for the dog instead. I even had a piece of red velvet cake. Yes, I did. It's been years since I've done that. I also saw a falcon, sitting perfectly on a fence like Horus staring at me, and I saw a 1962 convertible Corvette. Sweet car. The owner saw me look and sat up straight and proud as he passed. What a glorious world we live in when there are things like staring falcons, corvettes and red velvet cake. I couldn't finish the cake. I'm that rich.

Three years ago or so, Sunday was a very different scene. I would have gotten up at 6:00 am at the latest. There were many little bodies to dress, brush hair, find shoes and socks for ("Didn't I tell you to do that yesterday?") and a potluck meal to prepare. Soon, the boys would be up, I had 4 little boys and a baby girl at the time. Feed them, hustle everyone around, try to keep everything going smooth and get them looking decent. Most of the prep would have been done the day before. Heaven help me if I was busy and didn't get it done the day before. But even still it was never perfect. There was always someone with missing socks or shoes, or whose church pants didn't get washed and had to wear holey jeans.

My husband was notoriously grumpy on Sunday. It seemed as though no matter how my teenage daughters and I hustled, there would be something. He compared us to other families. We never seemed to be able to measure up.

Sundays were hands down the worst days of the week. No contest. Mondays were wonderful. There would be a whole week before I would have to do it all again. Mondays were light and free. By Thursday I would start feeling apprehensive. Saturday would be anxious and dreading. Then Sunday was there like a heavy stone, plopped into my calendar on a seven day rotation. And I went on like this, not for a few months, not for a year, but YEARS. And the longer I continued the worse it got.

There were so many reasons I was unhappy at that church. I'm not particularly interested in pulling each little bit apart. Misogyny, authoritarianism, a heavy view of God where it almost felt like He could barely stand you and barely took you back each week, and just good old fashioned "high school" social dynamics were there as in crowds, out crowds, and social scapegoats. Emphasis on the law and barely preaching out of the New Testament, really I think Jesus was mostly mentioned during communion but barely the sermons, and an over emphasis on verses highlighting the sinfulness of the human heart and very little mention of a newness of spirit, these were all there for sure. There was also more troubling aspects, like the romanticizing of the Confederate army, and the exaltation of teachers like Rushdooney to the point that he almost has as much authority as the Bible-maybe more, because he interprets, which could be seen as a sort of authority over the Bible. There was this idea that we were supposed to confront each other over sin which kind of turns into this thing where no matter what people say about you you were supposed to buck up and take it, because it could be true and if you thought it wasn't, well the heart is desperately wicked, who can know it?

Which turned into a kind of sanctioned bullying, because the people who were bossy by nature weren't really reigned in, and the people who were trying to be humble and take it... were taking it.

I swear, the CREC is a cult of sanctified meanness.


Not to mention the ridiculous courtship culture that was so nutty and all full of gossip, innuendo...

I finally got all fed up and walked away, when the misery was infecting my kids and my family was falling apart and we so incredibly broke, (mandatory tithing) and all these articles were going around about how you should never, ever leave your church world without end amen. I agonized over those articles. What if I left and horrible things happened and it would be all my fault? But one day  I told myself, "I'm just going to take two weeks off. I'm just not going to go for the next two Sundays." And I never went back.

And things instantly started getting better. And it's been progressively getting better ever since. 

So why did I stay so long? This has been really  interesting to me ever since. I know there are people who say there can't be a God because look at how abusive churches are and all that, but I think there has to be a God because how else could this tremendously powerful energy be so available for so many people to capitalize on and turn to their own advantage? People who key into the energy people are willing to expend in the name of being good for God and they can get people do anything! Things they normally wouldn't do, and aren't to their benefit, but guilt trip them about God and there they are.

It's kind of an amazing thing. And I was part of it. I fell for it.

I spent a lot of time afterwards reading about spiritual abuse, listening to podcasts, reading books like Influence, learning about Stockholm syndrome, and the Stanford Prison Experiment.  And learning about the Bible. Not just what it says, but source criticism, other interpretations, and church history. I started seeking out every alternate point of view I could find. I still am.

A New Blog

Dearest Father, when I look at the goings on in the past few weeks by people who claim they are doing what they do in faithfulness to you, my heart breaks. The meanness. The shear, self righteous, bullying meanness in the "name of God". I just can't take it. It's like a horrible, horrible car wreck. I tell myself, "Don't look. It actually doesn't affect you. you left that world."(thankyouthankyouthankyou).... But it's so incredible, the spirit of it. The utter assurance of self right-ness, the disregard that anyone could have any thoughtful opinion other than this one, the idea that you alone are the committed adherent to God and everyone else is thoughtlessly going to hell in a bucket...


And what gets me is there was a time when I would have been listening to these people, wide eyed and scared. Waiting for the leadership, those wise ones that held themselves up as the guides of the Christian world to tell me what to think.


Where was my brain?

It's so messed up it's hard to even think where to start. And is it worth even responding to? Is this a response? I don't know.

All I know is there are things in me that build up and sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.

 I've watched pastors trying to draw another pastor into saying something controversial, just so they can hold it up and have everyone gasp at it. In the name of "doctrinal purity" of even "sexual purity" for that matter, they feel justified to call on the carpet, to examine, to dig up stuff on other churches, it's so utterly, embarrassingly shameful. It makes me think of the Spanish Inquisition. Answer my questions. Not so I can understand your point, maybe even be open to changing my mind even the slightest bit, but so I can gallop back to my fogeys and hold you up for trial on whether you should be a pastor, whether you are even saved,

It isn't hard to see how the Spanish Inquisition got going.

Anyway, it isn't all that new, or even remarkable in the world we call Christianity. Actually it's as old as the church is. But it did do something, it gave me energy to start a new blog. Haha, just what the world needs, right? Another blog. But it's something I've been thinking about for a long time. A place to ask questions, follow a train of thought, follow my seeking, and maybe there is someone else in this world who's looking around, thinking, "I don't know what Christianity is supposed to be, but this is seriously, seriously messed up."

Seriously.